Tag Archives: right

Facing The Demons That Lurk Up The Ladder, Step One

Climbing into the darkness. 
That’s how it always starts. 
I don’t know where I was beforehand,
 and I don’t know why I am pursuing that space above. 
My climb up always starts with ease and determination in step.
Right, left, right, left, right until I am left at the top rung. 
I hesitate.
.

That’s what I do when I’m uncertain of what to do next,
 of whether or not I should continue my march up. 
All I am sure of is the darkness, it is everywhere. 
Even when I’m not looking, I sense the chill
 and heaviness presses on my lungs. 
The chill that envelopes and squeezes. 
I don’t like the feelings I have here. 
.

I hesitate with trepidation, for myself and for what will become of me
 when I step beyond that which I am able to see. 
Progress can only be made when movement is forward,
 or to that place of unknowns in the dark. 
Progress can only be made when progression is achieved
over doing nothing,
but hesitate. 
.

It is a more complex entity, that space. 
It presents more to chew on. 
If you are hungry enough, you will forge your self, your feet, your mark. 
Moving on is not scarey, but entering a room,
 when before, I was only climbing up to an unknown, unseen space.
It is unexpected, and foreign and presents it’s own set of things to understand. 
.

I have gotten this far, yes, so I suck up all strengths that I once had 
and climb into that room. .

I stand alone,
.

as though a spotlight highlights my entry. 
Can it be sensed that I am filled with apprehension? 
Can it be that obvious?
 The light points out the fact that I am sweating. 
 The light shows that I am ill-at-ease.
.

I go no further and stand alone in a room filled with fear.
.

My fear to climb.
 Not a fear of darkness.
.

I am afraid to better myself, to go up,
 to grow.
I am afraid of success, afraid
to succeed at being anything that is different than how I am now,
 a mediocre bystander in the dark
 in a room filled with my fears.
.

.
-dld january last, 2011, and there will never be another
__________________________________________
ThinkingTen – On Location, Mondays: In a room filled with fear.

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Brautigan Stew

“I’m in a dream, right?” I said to Richard as he was boiling his clothes in the iron kettle in the back yard of his front property. I often have dreams and know they are dreams while I am dreaming them. They call it ‘Lucid’. Richard calls it ‘Reality Biting’, then goes on a rampage about how “we are all brainwashed into believing that it is wrong to do this”, and cites examples of times when man could have used a good “kick in the ass” having chosen the wrong thing to do instead.

What gets me, is that I knew I was dreaming, yet I continued to let it play out. As I said, Richard was boiling his clothes and what he was using as ‘detergent’ was what blew my mind and made me consciously speak that questioning statement.

There the two of us were in his back/front yard, boiling clothes, then Richard added rice to the watered work clothes, but that wasn’t all. He generously added chicken stock, fat ‘n’ all, plus a touch of dehydrated vegetables (corn, carrots and sweet baby peas). Tasting spoonful by spoonful before getting the right mixture. When it tasted right, he then dumped in a gallon of kerosene and continued stirring, but no longer tasting the concoction.

I can recall that I backed away when I saw that red container in his hands. I backed far enough away, so not to become a victim in what I assumed would be a laundry explosion. I was also far enough away from ground zero to be able to run for the hose, which wasn’t on it’s perch, so I became a raving maniac trying to find it. But like I said, I was assuming that back lot to the front yard would be ablaze and I was winded just from frantically looking for a hose that wasn’t where it was kept.

As the story unfolded, it was getting to be about lunch time and I was hungry, not for soup (that would have just been weird), I wanted a full-course meal with salad, side dishes and of course, I wanted dessert. Richard was just as hungry, so we went inside the house to the kitchen, where there were piles of mounds of work clothes, dirty, smelly and awaiting their turn in the kettle. “How are we supposed to chop the greens and cook the food? There’s no room in here!”, I loudly yelled as I punched his right arm. And Richard, being of the Brautigan Clan and also being a man with many clever secrets up his sleeves, just looked at me, shook his head and walked into another room, where he picked-up the telephone and ordered our meal to be delivered. He didn’t want to unattend his brew.

In the meantime of waiting the delivery, we both went outside, he to his boiling clothes and me to put the hose back where it belongs.

How did I know this was a dream and not anything but one? Richard is dead, since 1984 and I live on the right side of the continent, Richard never travelled to the east coast. So chances are, we would never have met, let alone eaten together.

-dld 12.21.10_________________________

ThinkingTen -Take it Away, Tuesday: I’m in a dream, right?

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM GETTING LASSOOOED!

Charles P. Miss you mom. :< ♥ Come back soon..
5 years ago, today, I almost drowned saving someones life.
Thank you Sojourn for saving me, and giving me another chance to make things right. I'll do my best not to let you down…
I am A Bridge
The stones in my mind are quiet and smooth.
Gina Brillo has already told you, Griffin The Magnificent: i need applause. im tweaking. No man is impervious to the stupidity he surrounds himself with.

Michael Turnbout to Margaret Mitchell: Back to the title search for me.
A title is so important, so maddening, so … it has to be just absolutely right. Rev McLaughlough B.Woww – what is the significance of the cup?
I firmly support doctor assisted suicide, not a popular view I know in a heavily influenced Christian society which is just one more reason why I also support American's United for seperation of church and state.

Judy Prowler to T. Beasley We used to have a small Hemlock Society group in the northEast. I don't know if they are still around or not…. If they are, they are certainly keeping quiet.

dld may tenth, twenty, ten

to right it

write
wrelease energy
pent-up emotions
…..to discover

uncover that which
…..is disturbing

write
wre-educate

say it a differnt way
…..to help others discover
…….uncover that which is unknown

write
wre-live
the moment from the past
….discovery is sometimes
…..some time later
……yet never too late
…….to uncover that which
…….. can help us grow
___________________________dld August 20, 1989