Facing The Demons That Lurk Up The Ladder, Step One

Climbing into the darkness. 
That’s how it always starts. 
I don’t know where I was beforehand,
 and I don’t know why I am pursuing that space above. 
My climb up always starts with ease and determination in step.
Right, left, right, left, right until I am left at the top rung. 
I hesitate.

That’s what I do when I’m uncertain of what to do next,
 of whether or not I should continue my march up. 
All I am sure of is the darkness, it is everywhere. 
Even when I’m not looking, I sense the chill
 and heaviness presses on my lungs. 
The chill that envelopes and squeezes. 
I don’t like the feelings I have here. 

I hesitate with trepidation, for myself and for what will become of me
 when I step beyond that which I am able to see. 
Progress can only be made when movement is forward,
 or to that place of unknowns in the dark. 
Progress can only be made when progression is achieved
over doing nothing,
but hesitate. 

It is a more complex entity, that space. 
It presents more to chew on. 
If you are hungry enough, you will forge your self, your feet, your mark. 
Moving on is not scarey, but entering a room,
 when before, I was only climbing up to an unknown, unseen space.
It is unexpected, and foreign and presents it’s own set of things to understand. 

I have gotten this far, yes, so I suck up all strengths that I once had 
and climb into that room. .

I stand alone,

as though a spotlight highlights my entry. 
Can it be sensed that I am filled with apprehension? 
Can it be that obvious?
 The light points out the fact that I am sweating. 
 The light shows that I am ill-at-ease.

I go no further and stand alone in a room filled with fear.

My fear to climb.
 Not a fear of darkness.

I am afraid to better myself, to go up,
 to grow.
I am afraid of success, afraid
to succeed at being anything that is different than how I am now,
 a mediocre bystander in the dark
 in a room filled with my fears.

-dld january last, 2011, and there will never be another
ThinkingTen – On Location, Mondays: In a room filled with fear.

7 responses to “Facing The Demons That Lurk Up The Ladder, Step One

  1. Denise, this is a powerful piece. When you said ~ Even when I’m not looking, I sense the chill
    and heaviness presses on my lungs.
    The chill that envelopes and squeezes.
    I don’t like the feelings I have here.
    That is a perfect definition of a panic attack. I know these things. Great piece.

    • I left this comment on T10…
      “sorry to have gone ‘all’ or superficially “deep” here,
      but if you know what your fears are,
      you’re better able to climb in and face them.” I guess I was feeling a bit introspective on this one and finding that I am on a path to keep climbing and not look down at where I came from! Yes, Jeanette, it’s power lies in what we can learn and how to overcome such feelings of inadequacy or just convoluded fears of the unknown!

  2. As I was reading this poem…my mind flashed to a scene from one of those science fiction movies where people from earth have entered a pure white room on the planet mars and they are confronted with their own history…or their own fears perhaps….enjoyed what this engendered.

    • in a way, that’s how I envisioned it, too! This is an interesting topic to take further or do another write with and I may do just that…. so stay tuned for more of a “how to face your fears”, pick-me up, self-help thang!!!

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I think very often we sense fears, but have become accustomed to them, and they cause an anxiety that no longer is acknowledged. The only way is in. I love this inward journey, it’s extremely magical.
    Very nice write. Thanks you.

  4. or Thank you… 🙂

    • and Yours Welcome to you too!!! I may have another poem (it’s in the still ‘thinking about it’ process) that goes into a little more about fears and habits and moving on. I’m sure you’ll see when it’s posted! Thanks for the feedback, it really does help, xoxo, Denise

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